Wednesday’s Wisdom

Just for fun today…

There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and…yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

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Lost my Wife

Recently my wife and I were out hunting here in North Dakota. Sure enough, as we were stalking our prey, my wife got lost in the rows.

I ran into several other men who had brought their wives hunting as well. The same thing happened to them, they lost their wives in the rows.

I saw the telltale looks in their eyes, all glazed over and showing a bit of concern along with a good helping of frustration. When the eyes of men meet while looking for lost wives there are plenty of eye rolls, the shaking of heads and stares at the floor, as if these physical acts would help. One never really knows why men bring women hunting. The truth is, they actually know exactly what they are looking for. The predictable problem occurs when the man, focusing on where the hunt is taking place, gets sidetracked. Suddenly he looks up and realizes that he is completely and utterly alone – except for the other fellows who have fallen into the same malady.

I am pleased to announce that my wife, and all of the wives of my fellow men found what they were hunting for. You see the rows were the aisles of Michaels craft store in Bismarck, and sure enough we all ended up en-mass, together at the cash register – each fellow to a man still rolling their eyes. And while myself and the fellows I mentioned would insist that it was in fact our wives that were lost, it was actually, well, cough, cough, the guys. I’m embarrassed to say I got lost twice on that visit…

In the midst of being the bearer of red cheeks, I’m pleased to announce that my wife is an expert hunter – it only cost me $27 with coupons…

I’m so proud.

 

Wednesday’s Wisdom

Though David was only 4 years old, he often asked the blessing before family meals, and this year he was asked to return thanks before Thanksgiving dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, Brother, Sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited—and waited.

After a long silence, the little David looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the broccoli, won’t He know I’m lying?”

Have an amazing Thanksgiving everyone!

 

Divorce

Okay, I couldn’t help myself – I began a Sunday morning’s message at my last church with this story:

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York a couple of days before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty five years of misery is enough.

‘Pop, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.

We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,’ the father says. ‘We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.

‘Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. ‘No way that’s going to happen on our watch!’ she shouts, ‘I’ll take care of this.’

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, ‘You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?’ and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Okay honey,’ he says, ‘they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!’

As you can imagine, everyone laughed…and all the seniors looked at each other and nodded knowingly. Wonder how many out-of-town kids are going to get “divorce manipulation notices?”

Have a great Thanksgiving week!

 

Wednesday’s Wisdom

pewshot-child-drawing-16x9Words of Wisdom from Children

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him. – Michael, 14

3. Never tell your Mom her diet’s not  working. – Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. – Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. – Robert, 13

6. Don’t squat with your spurs on. – Noronha, 13

7. When your Mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. -Taylia, 11

8. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. – Traci, 14

9. Don’t sneeze in front of Mom when you’re eating crackers. – Mitchell, 12

10. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. – Andrew, 9

11. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo, 9

12. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. – Armir, 9

13. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. – Kellie, 11

14. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. -Naomi, 15

15. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, 9

16. Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. – Joel, 10

17. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom  when she’s on the phone. – Alyesha, 13

18. Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen, 8